I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Randomize
