When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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