Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize