16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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