positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
