i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
