I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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