i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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