I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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