11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
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Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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