don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
