I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
