Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
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I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
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My ass is underappreciated
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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