i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you win again, gameday.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
