i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
