I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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