i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
