what if every blade of grass was a penis?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
