I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Houston, we have a squirter
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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