Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
