Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
someone owes me an orgasm
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
