A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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