nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
