i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Randomize
