I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
