soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
They have beer where we have blood.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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