he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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