I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
