Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
ugly people sure do ruin things
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
