Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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