my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
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hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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