I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
