Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
