We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
