I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
