I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
