My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
