I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
