I wish I could teleport
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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