I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
