Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
