Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize