Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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