Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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