I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
