I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
