I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
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the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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