I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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