i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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