I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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