There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
