1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
