the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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