You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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