i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
