I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
