i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
