Tell her she can't have a vagina
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
