I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
